[EyeSore] Prometheus Review

2D Version - Review by: Brandon Patton

For what seems like eternity, mankind has been divided on a single issue. The struggle with the 'difficult' question of who made us and why. Some support Darwinism, others Creation. Director Ridely Scott will use this natural human curiosity to fuel the Macguffin for the majority of his newest film, "Prometheus". But to his downfall he will never actually answer anything except how to not handle the exploration of a new planet.

While on screen, characters will argue the finer points of what primal oozes formed humanity, off screen a different division will occur. Splitting viewers right down the center, there will be those who love and worship both this movie and its lore, surely as much as Ridley Scott's other films “Blade Runner” and the original “Alien”. Then there will be those, like myself, who see the lore as contrived almost to the point of becoming cliché.

The good news is, regardless of which side of the line you may stand, everyone will be in agreement to the utter beauty Scott has managed to put onto film. From the first shot until the last, “Prometheus” is filled with simply breathtakingly large scenes. Over the past years Hollywood has begun to shift away from these tall, and expensive, shots toward more up close and personal ones. Forgetting that it is those shots specifically that make some of our most memorable scenes in film history.

Clearly the one drawing parallels to “Prometheus” is “2001: A Space Odyssey”, and for good reason. Both films not only have long and detailed shots of space, they also delve into the history of human evolution. Finally, and most obviously, both have creepy robot characters. It wasn't a coincidence that Michael Fassbender's character was named David. In essence “Prometheus” is exactly the film you would expect if “Lost” co-creator and “Prometheus” writer Damon Lindelof were to write his own version of Space Odyssey.

As I continue with this review, I will call this film a failure. That being said, “Prometheus” is a total achievement in cinematography. It will be absolutely worthless outside of the theater, so anyone even remotely considering seeing this film do so now. Find the biggest screen in your area, and go not for the story, but for a visual feast. +1

Big things have poorly written beginnings.

So, I have found myself on more than one occasion wondering about the existence of a hole in the thermal exhaust port of the original DeathStar, and how it was ignored. However, that has nothing on the blatantly ignored plot holes literally filling “Prometheus”. I like to call these, Swiss Cheese Films, and this is the worst case I may have ever seen.

As we technically are at an 11/10 score for “Prometheus” I thought it would be fun to play a game. I am going to base my score on plot holes. For every hole I will remove a point, while also attempting to leave the review spoiler free. Here goes:

• After exploring this completely foreign planet for not even 10 minutes, the 'scientists' all remove their helmets because there was some oxygen. Never mind that any other pathogens could be in the area, it's cool lets just take off our only protective layer. What's worse is had this event not happened, the entire film could have been avoided. -1

• The Geologist shown as mapping the entire cave system, and actually having a digital map, gets lost. Everybody clearly can tell his car is not gone, but I guess they just don't like him because they don't give it a second blink. -1

• This is around 70-80 years in our future. Each character has a camera attached to their helmets, but not one has DVR (Recording). Sure is convenient, given all the crap going down. -1

• How someone can magically, off screen of course, walk across the planet from one place to another without a helmet. -1

• A fully grown man, who apparently went to college, tries to pet an alien snake. Just reaches right on out for a pet. Spoiler Alert: He may or may not still have that hand. -1

• How this is supposed to be the prequel to Alien, and yet this is confirmed to be a totally different planet, making that fact physically impossible. -1

• This films existence voiding out the entire Alien vs Predator series. -1

I may be the first to say so, but there is a completely lackluster performance across the acting board. Charlize Theron isn't even trying, not that the script gives her much to work with. But the real failure here is Noomi Rapace. She is just a bore, and cannot deliver these hokey lines with enough seriousness to bring a needed realism to the film. It isn't just that she's up against Sigorney Weaver either, Noomi's performance isn't much better than one seen on an average episode of Stargate.

What about Michael Fassbender you ask? Don't all the reviews praise him as a golden acting god? Yes they do. Those critics also clearly never watched an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, where an emotionless Data is constantly dealing with the struggle of trying to both feel and understand emotions. Michael just plays his David android with a dead pan face that anyone could produce. Had he been allowed to break some boundaries of feeling, I am sure Michael could have delivered in spades. But as the script dictated his character was a by the books computer, there was no leeway for him to do so. -1

Finally, and this can be considered a mild spoiler. The absolutely asinine explanation of how the Xenomorphs came into being. You see it coming, and think it can't be this stupid, but it never stops. That said, this reveal does lead to one amazingly violent, but well delivered, freak out scene. Thus it's a draw.

“Prometheus” just fails as a story, let alone a continuation of the Alien mythology. Great camera work, effects, and set design may try but cannot overcome the plot holes, bad acting, and poor direction littering this film like rotten fruit. The fact remains: you can paint a rotten banana yellow, but don't expect any monkeys to take a second bite. I won't be.

I AM A GOOD ACTRESS!

“Prometheus”gets a 3 out of 10.